Saturday, August 19, 2017 16:44

The Crazies (remake) (2010)

I won’t sport with any readers out there by providing an in-depth review of this remake. It just isn’t necessary: you already know the drill. Big budget, surprisingly grisly in places for a mainstream film, some good scenes but ultimately rather formulaic – not sorry I saw it, but wish that a great original horror film had received this sort of release instead [and repeat ad infinitum for pretty much all remakes of this kind].

What IS notable about the film is how it showcases such a large number of modern horror clichés. In fact, if you wanted one neat parcel of horror clichés for any sort of reference, then The Crazies is it. So, instead of a step-by-step review, here we have…

WHAT I LEARNED FROM THE CRAZIES

1) The saved-by-the-bell execution. If a mass killer is on the loose, no matter how many victims he/she can get through in any given period of time, he/she will be killed just as he/she raises their arm to kill a Plot Relevant Character. Same goes for anyone who turns out to be pointing a gun at a Plot Relevant Character: they will be killed just as they cock their weapon – thus indicating not only their Badness but that They Really Mean It. There’s probably a mathematical formula for this…

2) If you are having a pensive moment in a room – possibly before leaving the room forever to embark on a new life – look 45 degrees to your right or left. There is someone stood in the corner.

3) This person or persons, no matter how messed up they might be by clinical insanity/zombieism/hideous mutated virus, will have all the prerequisite materials for tying you up.

4) Rescuers, beware! You WILL drop you weapon twice before you get to do your rescuing and there will be a ten-second reaching period for said weapon.

5) All female leads seem to be pregnant. Even if they don’t look it. This is a failsafe method of adding deep, emotional meaning to the plight of a female lead, because when a non-pregnant woman survives, we don’t care. She’s just a person – where’s the fun in the survival of a normal, common-or-garden person? It’s all about the zygotes.

6) The double-bluff ending is alive and well. Whilst I approve of the increased cynicism in Hollywood, you don’t get much more cynical than showing the audience that, even after 90 minutes of trauma, your characters are still going to snuff it in the end anyway.

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