Friday, February 24, 2017 15:11

Archive for March, 2011

The Beast in Space (1980)

Friday, March 25th, 2011

Like many of you I’m sure, I spend a lot of my viewing time seeking the Holy Grail of ‘so bad, it’s good’ cinema. Well, I think I’ve found a very strong contender in The Beast in Space (La bestia nella spazio). Not only is this an exploitation flick which borrows broadly from Walerian Borowczyk’s notorious arthouse porno THE BEAST, but it is directed by the probably unchallenged, but nonetheless undisputed master of space smut, Alfonso Brescia. If you like your female astronauts in skin-tight rubber, your male astronauts moustachioed and tanked up on ‘Uranus milk’, and your alien planets little more than bordellos, then prepare to be amazed.

We start by meeting alpha male Captain Larry, a guy killing a little time at base before he ships out on his next mission. This involves, obviously, having a fight, and then having the sort of sex with a hot blonde which could only happen in 1980: check out the garish accompanying light show! Still, it’s not all fun and games and when you’re a Captain, you can’t hang around listening to hot blondes tell you about mysterious recurring dreams…there’s work to be done.

But wouldn’t you know, this lady is in fact one Lt. Sondra Richardson, and she’s been assigned to his crew for his upcoming mission. That mission? To explore an unknown planet which contains a very scarce, very important, metal.

Things don’t go well en route when they encounter an enemy ship, though, so they end up crash-landing on the planet they were meant to explore. They aim to complete their mission anyway, but there’s something odd about this place. Not only is it the planet from Sondra’s dream, but the atmosphere seems to be affecting the crew. They seem woozy, distracted – almost…horny…

Sondra’s in especial danger, though – as the horny faun of her nightmares is real, and horribly, hilariously aroused! Will the crew escape the planet? Will Sondra ever be the same again? In any case, watching the cast do their damnest to play their roles absolutely straight only adds to the general high entertainment factor to be had from The Beast in Space. Everything, from the costumes to the dialogue, to the general premise and back again is laugh-out-loud funny and strangely compelling. Combining robots and stock footage of mating horses with nudity and space-age jargon? It’s an idea crazy enough to work, and when I say ‘work’ I mean to transfix the helpless viewer.

Smut enthusiasts, err, I mean arthouse enthusiasts might recognise Sondra (Sirpa Lane) from the original Beast, and fellow crew member Erika (Maria D’Allesandro) also featured in another Shameless DVD release, Satan’s Baby Doll. I’m not sure what happened to the faun with his synthetic hooves, but I like to think he’s doing well somewhere. Oh and – it’s true – there is genuine hardcore Beast in Space footage around and about, just in case the scenes you do get here between Lane and man-goat aren’t saucy enough for you.

The Beast in Space is silly, trashy, exploitation fun – everything you’d hope from a science porno. Seek it out!

HELL’S GROUND

Tuesday, March 8th, 2011

This Friday, City Screen York (Coney Street) is delighted to present Pakistan’s first gore movie – the inimitable HELL’S GROUND (aka Zibahkhana)!

zib

The film will be introduced by writer and producer Pete Tombs of Mondo Macabro, and will also feature a Bollywood horror trailer reel – oh, and there’s a bar…

If you’re able to get to it – see you there! More info here on the Facebook page…

Questions I have about the world after viewing Satan’s Baby Doll (1982)

Sunday, March 6th, 2011

SHAM023DVDFRONTFINAL-1_1

1) How is it that dead bodies don’t decompose, or get a coffin, or indeed so much as a shroud to protect their dignity in this castle? Is this treatment extended even to the non-nubile dead?

2) Do novice nuns really wear colour-coordinated stockings? And do they really keep them on in bed?

SatansBaby03

3) How is it that a paraplegic gentleman can make his own way to the bedroom of the writhing bestockinged nun, but can’t make it back? Oh, wait. Actually I might already know the answer to that one.

4) Is injectable heroin really the colour and consistency of rice pudding?

5) Does a bedbath really take that long? And did she really have to dry THAT bit of him as long as she did?

6) What the hell is that guy doing with the chicken?

sbd

7) Who fell asleep on the synthesiser?

…And finally…What did Satan have to do with it, actually? It seems a bit part for Old Nick at best. Perhaps he was the executive producer?